App. All Night with the ESRB

Announcer: Welcome to App. All Night with Johnny Dangerplain!

Audience *clapping*

Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen, heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere's Danger!

Audience *clapping*

Johhny Dangerplain: Thank you! Thank you!

Audience *clapping*

Johnny Dangerplain: Nintendo expanded the market with a product name that is a homonym for "we." It was such a success that Nintendo continued the not-so-subliminal subliminal naming by trying to woo the core market with a product name that is a homonym for "you." If the Wii-U is successful, Nintendo's next system will be named "Wii-R-A-Q-T."

Audience *laughing*

Johnny Dangerplain: Square Enix announced a remastered Final Fantasy X in HD. Let's see what celebrities had to say. Roll that tape!

Wakka Wakka Wakka! 

Audience *laughing*

I'll play it. It ain't easy being a ghost.

Audience *laughing*

YuRiPa! . . . YuRiLu!

Audience *laughing*

Needs more dark matter.

Audience *clapping*

Johnny Dangerplain: Finally, Microsoft is offering up an explanation for the death of Games for Windows Live. Microsoft claims it is a victim of its own success.

David Scratcher: A victim of its own success . . . .

Johnny Dangerplain: That's right. Microsoft says consumers were confused and thought Games for Windows Live was a Solitaire MMORPG.

Audience *laughing*

Johnny Dangerplain: Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a great show for you tonight. ESRB is here, ESRB!

Audience *clapping*

Johnny Dangerplain: Give it up for David Scratcher and the App. All Night Band!

Audience *clapping*

Johnny Dangerplain: We're back. Say, David, isn't your middle name Jones?

David Scratcher: Why yes, yes it is.

Johnny Dangerplain: That makes you D.J. Scratcher. I didn't know you were a D.J.!

Audience *laughing* 

David Scratcher: You didn't?! Well, I don't mean to brag, but I D-ed quite a few Js when I was young.

Johnny Dangerplain *cackling*: HA! 

Audience *laughing*

Johnny Dangerplain: Ladies and Gentlemen, ESRB!

Audience *clapping*

Johnny Dangerplain: Have a seat.

ESRB: Thank you!

Johnny Dangerplain: Believe it or not, I remember when you were born.

ESRB: I believe it; I grew up watching this show.

Johnny Dangerplain: Now, a lot of people know about you . . . 

ESRB: Right, because of the ratings on the front of games.

Johnny Dangerplain: But what they may not know is that you're much more than that. Your latest dropped a little while ago, is that right?

ESRB: That's right. The ratings are very broad brushstrokes, and many times people, parents especially, would like more. So now, the latest is on phones.

Johnny Dangerplain: Let's take a look.

Johnny Dangerplain: So what do we have here?

ESRB: Well, you can search by photo or by text.

ESRB: You can filter by platform and rating.

ESRB: You can look at the rating categories.

ESRB: Probably everyone knows about those. Here's where we get to the cool part. You can see what will trigger each content descriptor.

Johnny Dangerplain: That was pretty cool. You've even got the nitty-gritty in there, right?

ESRB: Yep, even the boring stuff no one would ever read is in there.

Johnny Dangerplain: Except David. David would read it.

Audience *laughing*

David Scratcher: You know me too well, Johnny.

Johnny Dangerplain: When do we get to the sexy stuff?

Audience *laughing*

ESRB: Here you go. You can also search by text and photo even when you are in the store!

Johnny Dangerplain: So I'm in the store, and my kid says he wants Gears of War 3. That's an educational game about mechanical engineering, right?

Audience *laughing*

ESRB: Right, so you would type in . . . 

Johnny Dangerplain: I can't find it. This is not making you look good.

Audience *laughing*

ESRB *embarrassed*: If you hit "more results," you will find it. There seem to be a lot of games about war.

Johnny Dangerplain: There it is!

ESRB: Right, so here you can see not only the rating and content descriptors, but you can see what content in this game triggered the content descriptors. 

Johnny Dangerplain: The kid is a chip off the old block, I guess.

Audience *laughing*

Johnny Dangerplain: So why is the description itself censored? Do we need an ESRB for the ESRB?

Audience *laughing*

ESRB: Well, I'm guessing there is an overlap between the type of people conscientious enough to search for detailed content descriptors and the type of people who don't care to see vulgar words in print. You can also send this detailed description through email, Facebook, and Twitter.

Audience: OOOOOOOOHH!

ESRB: You can also search by photo.

Johnny Dangerplain: Why would I ever need to search by photo?

ESRB: Well, it's not always obvious what the name of the game is especially if it's in a foreign language.

Johnny Dangerplain: Oh right, my kid likes the Japanese ones.

David Scratcher: Really?! He really is a chip off the old block.

Johnny Dangerplain: Games, David. Games.

Audience *laughing*

ESRB: So, here you have a game off of the shelf. Notice it's still in shrink-wrap, and that it's got a sticker obscuring part of the cover.

Johnny Dangerplain: So, should I unwrap it?

ESRB: No, no. You can still take a picture.

Johnny Dangerplain: Ok, here we go.

Audience: AAAAAAAAHH!

Johnny Dangerplain: ESRB, Ladies and Gentlemen!

Audience *clapping*

Johnny Dangerplain: We'll be right back.