Sonnez Les Jeux Video: February 2011

Crusader: Hi. I'm here for the birthday party.

Ma'am: Hi. Thanks for coming. The kids are upstairs.

Crusader: Thanks, Ma'am.

Crusader *bursting through the door*: WHO'S READY TO HAVE SOME FUN!

Kids: YAAAAAAAAY!

Crusader: All right, but first I need the Birthday Girl here in the position of honor. Now, what would you like to do, Ms. Birthday Girl?

Birthday Girl: A tea party!

Kids: YAAAAAAAAY!

Crusader: Er, are you sure you wouldn't like a joust or something, Kid?

Birthday Girl: No! A tea party!

Crusader *bowing*: Your wish is my command. Everyone gather round in a circle. Who's brought the tea? Ah yes, half a cup please. No, no sugar thank you. Would you please pass the crumpets? No, no jam thank you. Really? She said that? Good heavens! It's amazing how people act these days. So uncouth! Did I get crumbs in the butter?

Kids: Hahhahaaah.

Crusader: You'll never believe what happened to me yesterday. Would you like to hear the story?

Kids: YAAAAAAAAY!

Crusader: Well, it all started when I went to the court of the High Council . . .

Kids: OOOOOOOOHH.

Crusader:

Crusader: Councilmembers, I seek a quest worthy of God.

Crusader: Who is this "Satan?"

Kids: AAAAAAAUGH!

Crusader: . . . Too soon?

Kids: AAAAAAAUGH!

Crusader: Very well. We'll begin at the beginning. When we reach the end, we'll stop.

Kids: SIIIIIIIGH.

Crusader: Councilmembers, if this quest is worthy of God, why has God not killed Satan?

High Council: The Prophecy states that God will return.

Crusader: False. Your God is false. A god even. There is only one true God.

High Council: Heresy! Undercapitalization will be punished. Bank on it! What is the name of your God?

Crusader: As the prophet, only I am capable of uttering the Lord's name: RNG!

High Council: Who would give their God an unpronounceable name? Yes, it's true. Only you can pronounce your cow-God's name, no udder.

Crusader: Resorting to name-calling? At least my God is not both shepherd and lamb.

High Council: For your heresy, you will go to Hell.

Crusader: I'm banking on it.

Crusader: As you can see, Kids, I have high HPs and medium energy. Also, I had a big breakfast so I hope there's a men's room in Hell. Let's take a look at the items my Mom packed for this field trip.

Crusader: . . . Thanks a lot, Mom. I'm sure Dad refueled the ol' bag-o'-tricks, though.

Crusader: Gee, thanks a bunch, Dad. Looks like all I have to rely on is my wits and my brains. Luckily, I didn't get those from Mom or Dad.

Crusader: Here we are: Bandit Hole 1! Smells like . . . brown.

Crusader: Banditos! Donde esta la fiesta, Banditos?

Crusader: La fiesta es en mi pantalones!

Crusader: I spy with my little eye something starting with a "G."

Smarty: Is it gold?

Crusader: No.

Not-So-Smarty: Is it Gil?

Crusader: No. It's a Gingerbread Man.

Euro-Girl: Does he have red hair?

Crusader: No, but he's tasty. Just like red-heads.

Gingerbread Man: Catch me if you can!

Crusader: This is going to be harder than I thought. I must use my superior intellect.

Crusader: Curses!

Crusader: I can almost taste it. Sweet, sweet . . .

Crusader: Usable by Wizards only?! When was the last time she did anything for me?

Pip-Squeak: I have a question. Isn't fighting in doorways cowardly?

Crusader *menacingly*: Listen, pip-squeak. Ganging up on adventurers is cowardly. If they would fight me like a martial-arts movie, I wouldn't have to fight in doorways. Besides, the only thing I can one-shot now is rats. You don't like rats do you?

Pip-Squeak: Yes, sir. I mean, no, sir.

Crusader: I better get a sweet reward for this pile of bodies I sacrificed to RNG.

RNG: Nyet.

Crusader: Finally! The stairs that take us to . . .

Crusader: Is that a woman? It's been so long since I've seen a woman! Hi. How are you? No. Don't teleport me! I don't want to leave you!

Crusader: Rats! Blue ones.

Bandit: I heard you bin makin' moony eyes at my old lady.

Crusader: Well, you heard wrong. Come here, Darling! No. Why must you always teleport me into the middle of trouble? Is that your way of showing affection? LUUUUCYYYY!

Crusader: Bats! Three of them. Seeing as I can't one-shot bats yet, back to the doorway!

Crusader: I would slay all the bats in the world for you, Bitsy-Pookums.

Crusader: I would fight through a line of bats to reach you, Snoogy-Woogy.

Crusader: AND I WOULD DO A-NY-THING FOR LOVE!

Crusader: But I won't do that.

Crusader: Three treasures! I could really use a long-range weapon or at least an item to guide me in spending my skill points, RNG.

RNG: Nyet.

Crusader: I won't make it far past the Bandit Holes without an upgraded weapon. I'm doing this for your glory, RNG. I know you haven't heard me like this before. Now that we're here, I'm just talking turkey.

Crusader: Scrolls! By Elbereth, I've never seen so many scrolls!

Crusader: A test, huh? Safely guarded treasure chests must contain something good!

Crusader: The stairs at the top of this room take us to . . .

Crusader: All right Kids, what do we know about rats?

Kids: EEEEEEEVIL!

Crusader: And what do we know about red monsters?

Kids: EEEEEEEVIL!

Crusader: So what does that make red rats?

Kids: SO CUUUUUUUTE!

Crusader: . . . So young, so cynical. Just for that, you get to sit through this fight, which takes forever seeing as how I can't even one-shot Blue Bandits yet. Good thing I have high HPs.

Smarty: Those are Black Bandits. There's no such thing as Blue Bandits.

Crusader: So young, so racist. Does a drop of black clothing make the Bandit black? Or does the bandana mask make the Bandit blue? What happens to a color deferred? Does it explode?

Smarty: No, Robots explode.

Crusader: Treasure! Please, don't let it be a scroll. Please, don't let it be a scroll. Please, don't let it be a scroll. Please, don't let it be a scroll.

Crusader: God dammit! . . . I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. It just came out.

RNG: That's what she said.

Crusader: Assassinos! See, Kids? This is honorable. No ganging up. Just mano a mano. No telep--

Crusader: See, Kids? This is what happens to dishonorable ninjas.

Bandits: You stole that scroll from us.

Crusader: Scrolls? I don't need no stinkin' scrolls! I can take on you two and your lady.

Third Bandit: You forgot me.

Crusader: Gulp! Three Bandits and a Gypsy with nary a doorway in sight! I can't win this fight in the open. What should I do?

Birthday Girl: Use an enchant weapon scroll.

Crusader: On my wooden sword? Girl, you dun gon crazy? I will use it immediately on anything other than a wooden sword.

Smarty: Throw an energy potion.

Crusader: I don't have too many of those to spare.

Not-So-Smarty: Use a scroll of accuracy.

Crusader: If I hit every time, and they hit every time, I will lose in six turns.

Fatty: Eat your food!

Gingerbread Head: Use a skill point!

Crusader: Good idea! Whack of Glory will let me one-shot two Blue Bandits. Then, I can take my time chasing down the others.

Crusader: And I get the skill point right back! Precious skill points. Don't ever leave me.

Crusader: Arrows! There must be a bow around here somewhere. A bow would really turn this quest around. O sweet lady? Have you seen a bow around here? Don't worry about your sisters; I wouldn't do that to you. You're not like them. You wouldn't tele--

Crusader: To the doorway!

Crusader: Now that our little pest problem has been solved we can go to the . . .

Crusader: What's that smell? I smell . . . I smell . . .

Birthday Girl: Cupcakes!

Crusader *eyes narrowing*: . . . Greed. That can only mean one thing.

Crusader: Quabbus. The most cutthroat merchant who ever lived. I heard Quabbus sold his children into slavery because they couldn't make the monthly nut.

Kids: OOOOOOOOHH!

Crusader: Quabbus! We meet again.

Quabbus: At your service, Master. Always a pleasure to do business with you.

Crusader: I am not fool enough to think I am Master here, Quabbus.

Quabbus: Looking at your inventory, Master, makes my heart bleed.

Crusader: I wonder what color your heart's blood is, Quabbus. Green? Or gold?

Quabbus: You will need a long range weapon for the quest's end, a better melee weapon for the quest's middle, a way to deal non-physical damage, and a way to heal. Only two skill points, Master?

Crusader: I KNOW WHAT I NEED, QUABBUS! If I had a better weapon, I would have used Weapon Focus by now. I don't need your food, nor your scrolls. I desperately need your Quadbone, but let me guess . . .

Quabbus: 72 gold, Master.

Crusader: You would have me fight what lies beyond with a practice sword?

Quabbus: Practice makes perfect, Master.

Crusader: I remember a time, Quabbus, when you would let my pets in your store and the Kops would keep the peace. Are those days gone?

Quabbus: Some things change, Master--

Crusader: And some things stay the same. I will take your ring.

Crusader: What smoke through yonder lamp breaks? It is Death, and He has won.

Kids: What did the Genie say?

Crusader: The Genie said, "Flavor text is for paying customers only!"

Crusader: Doing a measly 5 damage to this Golden Beetle with my wooden sword, Whack of Glory becomes my only hope. That, and my one health potion. Hopefully, I can hold out.

Crusader: Remember Kids, Whack means crack. With the lamp broken, the Genie cannot heal.

Crusader: Doing under 10 damage per non-Whack hit, I am soon surrounded, and must Whack a Golden Beetle.

Crusader: I'm so low on health that I become delirious. Isn't red always the best? Skittles, Starbursts, Kool-Aid, Jolly Ranchers, Now and Laters, Air Heads, red heads, Smarties; the red flavor is always best.

??? *knocking*: Knock, knock!

Children: WHO'S THERE?

???: Purple.

Children: PURPLE WHO?

Wizard *entering*: Purple is the color of royalty, and royalty need not concern itself with last names.

Crusader: Wizardess! Now's not the time for lessons. I'm in the middle of a story.

Wizard: I see you still have a penchant for making up words. Wizardatrix or just plain Wizard will do. Aren't there children here?

Crusader: Yes.

Wizard: Then it is a great time for lessons. Where are we in the story, Children? . . . Really? He's been telling you about his imminent death? A-ha-ha-ha-haaaa, don't make me laugh! Do you really believe any adventurer with two skill points and a host of scrolls to spare is near death? Crusader, have you been sandbagging for dramatic effect? Children don't learn any lessons with theatrics. Let's move it along, shall we?

Crusader and Children *together*: Yes, Ma'am.

Crusader: My high HPs allowed me to withstand the onslaught using one red potion.

Crusader: The Golden Beetles drop gold, but it won't be mine for long.

Crusader: Quabbus, you knew this would happen.

Quabbus: I have faith in your abilities, Master.

Crusader: Your faith is lucrative, Quabbus.

Crusader: After buying and upgrading a Quadbone, we head to Dungeon 1.

Crusader: The Quadbone summons a shadow Bandit as I fight Skeletons.

Crusader: The shadow Bandit leads me north. What does he smell up there?

Wizard: You're a kitty! Er, listen well children, the cat has 10,000 HPs and will follow you in an attempt to trap you. The best way to get it off your back is to let a monster attack it so the cat will follow the monster instead.

Crusader: Maybe I can use all these nets to mail the cat to Abu Dhabi. What kind of ridiculous entourage have I got going here?

Crusader: Look, Wizard. It's your brother, the Necromancer.

Wizard: That's no brother of mine, the way he summons Skeletons. They're not even real Skellymen, just a devolution. By the way, Children, a long-range weapon is necessary for summoners, buffers, and debuffers. Here is a great example.

Crusader: Let's not talk about that.

Crusader: Without a bow, it takes me 7 arrows to kill the Necromancer.

Wizard: You threw the arrows? With your hands?

Crusader: I SAID let's not talk about that. Let's talk about stairs that take us to . . .

Crusader: The zombie throws tomatoes at me for killing his invisible baby, which is not zombified.

Crusader: First scrolls, and now staffs. This quest's for you, Wizard.

Wizard: Cheers!

Crusader: Looks like we've returned to our regularly scheduled programming.

Crusader: The stairs take us to . . .

Crusader: I immediately find the stairs. I'm so great.

Crusader: Quabbus watches intently as I enter the shop. His eyes are looking for any bulges in my coin bag; his ears are listening for tinkling in my boots; his brain is calculating how much gold I could have gained since my last visit.

Crusader: Quabbus, since when does the Rune of Zot cost 16 gold, and since when do 18 arrows cost 18 gold?

Quabbus: Since you have 18 gold in your pocket, Master.

Crusader *triumphantly*: Ha! You are getting old, Quabbus, and your eyes and ears are not as sharp as they once were. I have 19! I will take your arrows.

Quabbus *quietly as Crusader is leaving*: But my brain is still sharp, Master.

Crusader: I sure showed him this time! I will not be gouged!

Wizard: Why, thank you. How nice. About those scrolls and staffs you are always complaining about, now might be a good time to--

Crusader: Save it, Sister.

Crusader: I knew it! Your god has been corrupted; can't even make it snow inside your snowglobe.

Crusader: I can only do 4 damage. Let's try Whack of Glory.

Crusader: That only does 7 damage. This will be a looooooong fight. Let's try raising my strength.

Crusader: What a waste. This will be a slug fest, but my high HPs should allow me to slog it out with two health potions. Noticing a trend, Kids?

Kids: ZZZZZZZZZZ.

Crusader: WAKE UP! It's over. Anyone got a handbasket?

Crusader: I wonder what Hell is like?

Crusader: OH, NO! I didn't know it would be my own personal Hell! I grew up geek, and Hell is filled with bullies and hot girls with nary a friend in sight.

Shadow Knight: Like the wallpaper sticks to the wall . . .

Crusader: Like the seashore clings to the sea . . .

Shadow Knight: Like you'll never get rid of your shadow . . .

Crusader: You'll never get rid of me.

Shadow Knight: Closer than smog is to all of L.A. . . .

Crusader: Closer than Bobby is to J.F.K. . . .

Shadow Knight: Not a soul can bust this team in two . . .

Crusader: We stick together like glue!

Crusader: The Pillsbury Dough Boy! Let's poke him in the tummy!

Kids: HEE-HEE.

Kids: AWWWWWWWWW.

Crusader: A spellbook is in this chest. Marked with the big red letters, "USABLE BY WIZARDS ONLY."

Wizard: And why didn't you pick it up?

Crusader: Can't use it and no room in the inventory. Besides it's not like there are any . . .

Crusader *meekly*: . . . lockers around here.

Wizard: Although it hurts me that you wouldn't do for me what I would do for you, it hurts me more thinking about what you are teaching the children.

Children: YEAH!

Crusader: B-b-b-ut . . .

Wizard: Couldn't make room for it in the inventory? I know why. You have some macho fantasy that you'll be three spaces away from Satan, counting his HPs dutifully, and realize you can throw your wooden sword at him for the finishing blow. So you lug around anything and everything.

Crusader: B-b-b-ut . . .

Wizard: OF COURSE you can't use the spellbook, but did it ever occur to you that you could throw the spellbook?! At Satan even? He is illiterate after all.

Crusader *thoughtful*: You know, that never occurred to me.

Wizard: Apparently you CAN teach an old dog new tricks. Well, let that be a lesson Children. The lesson is Crusaders are idiots.

Crusader: So let it be written, so let it be done.

Crusader: These stairs take us to . . .

Crusader: All right! The stairs are right by the entrance. I'm so great. We're looking good with 5 health potions. Here we go!

Crusader: Satan, welcome to die!

Crusader: Two Satans? Oh, these must be Satan's children.

Crusader: Satan's children, be good little boys and girls, ok?!

Crusader: I run away before they set me on fire, which is the worst status condition.

Crusader: These nets are great to use here, but throwing arrows will not kill the beast before it breaks through the net. Time to get Whacking!

Crusader: Satan's bodyguards try to flank me.

Crusader: Hey, baby. What's your story?

Succubus: If I kiss you, I permanently decrease your maximum HPs by one.

Crusader: I have 59 HPs to spare, what'll that get me?

Succubus: . . .

Crusader: *woozy, slurring*: Hey, baby. What's your story?

Satan's Bodyguard: I call for backup, and my backup calls for backup, and my backup's backup calls for backup, until we each are firing semi-automatics at you every turn.

Crusader *woozy, slurring*: I'm on fire, what will that get me?

Crusader: I won't win this battle, so I invest a skill point in a healing spell.

Crusader: A giant floating head, WITH LASERS? Better invest another. These monsters shoot at me from any distance away as long as I am on same row or column. The lasers hurt.

Crusader: Two giant floating heads? He who flees and runs away lives to fight another day.

Crusader: Is this it? Is it the end? I'm in a real bind here. The giant floating head will hit me for about 10 every turn, and it will take more than 6 turns to clear the mini-Satan blocking my path. I better Whack. At least it can't get any worse!

Crusader: It just got worse. Item time!

Crusader: That didn't hit anyone. And now I'm on fire.

Crusader: Better use some health potions.

Crusader: My options are dwindling. I barely escaped one giant floating head, now I'm up against two. When in doubt: chuck something. Thankfully two together is the most I've seen.

Crusader: Until now. Not wanting to make this my grave, I can only turn back and hope the stairs aren't in this room.

Crusader: Today's story is brought to you by the power of doubling. Take it away, Count.

Count: VON, VON giant floating head, a-a-ah.

Count: TWO, TWO giant floating heads, a-a-ah.

Count: FOUR, FOUR giant floating heads, a-a-ah.

Count: EIGHT, EIGHT monsters unhurt by your Staff of Unholy Fires.

Crusader: The Staff of Holy Fires is less flashy, but more reliable. I am not expecting to make it out of here alive.

Crusader: Especially when I am surrounded again.

Crusader: Lacking any more staffs, I use a skill point to learn Holy Fires.

Crusader: Getting pummeled by the lasers forces me to use my last health potion. The only thing I can do is run away.

Crusader: WHICH SURPRISINGLY WORKS! It turns out the other monsters didn't like getting pummeled by the lasers either, so they started attacking the heads for me. I thought I was a goner.

Crusader: Surviving the lasers puts the whole kiss of death thing in perspective. Come here, you cute Succubus you, SMOOCH!

Crusader: Time to use all my scrolls. I can't take 'em to heaven so I might as well use 'em in hell.

Crusader: Pleased to meet you! Hope I remember your name. But what's puzzling me is the nature of your game.

Crusader: Satan punches me and knocks me backwards into Vampire Bats, which bite three times as hard as normal bats and heal themselves with blood.

Crusader: Luckily, his Unholy Fires spell is just as accurate as mine was.

Crusader: Hitting Satan for more than 20 damage is respectable if I can keep my HPs high via healing items. Oh yeah, healing items. I remember those.

Crusader: Whenever I'm surrounded by bats, I use Holy Fires. Unfortunately, that means less healing.

Crusader: I was planning on healing, but I am one energy point short. I need a bunch of things to go right here. I need to kill the bat, have Satan miss, and recover that energy point all in one turn. I can't be sure of killing the bat without Holy Fires, but if I use it I need to run away to recover more energy or health. I could Whack the bat, but then I wouldn't get in a hit on Satan. I haven't been counting my damage-dealt well, but it could be the finishing blow, right? What a story that would make!

Wizard: Nevermind about that lesson about old dogs, Children. The new lesson is old dogs are dumb and should be put down.

Precious Snowflake: I'm telling!

Others: SHHHHHHHHH! It's getting good.

Crusader *quickly*: By some miracle, everything goes according to plan, I save the Princess, and we all live happily ever after. The End.

Kids: HEEEEEEEEY!

Birthday Girl: We want a good story! With a happy ending!

Kids: YEEEEEEEAH.

Crusader: After all that, you want a happy ending? Boy, you Kids are slave drivers! Ok, ok. Actually, Satan punches me to negative 20 HPs.

Crusader: Lord, why have you failed me? Did I not take this quest for your glory? To prove your status as the one true God?

RNG: SILENCE! It is not I who have failed you, but you who have failed me. Like footprints in the sand, I carried you at your weakest moments. But in your strongest moments, did you think of me or only yourself?

Crusader: Lord, how did I fail you?

RNG: With your cowardice!

Crusader: I do not understand.

RNG: Let us reminisce.

***

Crusader: I immediately find the stairs. I'm so great.

Crusader: All right! The stairs are right by the entrance. I'm so great. We're looking good with 5 health potions. Here we go!

***

Crusader: I see. Because of my cowardice in not exploring each floor to the fullest, I was underleveled when I fought Satan. That combined with the facts that I used all my health potions and I had too low energy for consistent healing meant that I couldn't use the one advantage that had gotten me this far: my high HPs. Had I explored the two floors I skipped, I could've been stronger and had more potions or more energy. If you revive me Lord, I will say a mantra each and every step of each and every floor: CONSERVE POTIONS, AND FIGHT BRAVELY!

RNG: Go forth my Son, and if you do as you say, you will see my power and show all the world my glory.

Crusader: Conserve potions, and fight bravely. Conserve potions, and fight bravely. Conserve potions, and fight bravely. Conserve potions, and fight bravely. Conserve potions, and fight bravely. Conserve potions, and fight bravely. Conserve potions, and fight bravely. Conserve potions, and fight bravely. Conserve potions, and fight bravely. Conserve potions, and fight bravely.

Crusader: As if in a dream, I traveled through each floor conserving potions and fighting bravely until I found myself at the entrance to Satan's lair. Surrounded by clowns.